Meditation Experiences

Last night, just before going to sleep, I decided I'd meditate. I was actually planning on doing it for a silly reason; I was putting my cards under my pillow and I was going to ask my cards if they had any cool ideas or designs for the purse I'm making. The components of this purse are very symbolic to me, and so I feel my cards may have some symbolic ideas for the design itself. I wanted to meditate to put myself into a dreamlike state, so that my subconscious would be the one asking, and would be more receptive to an answer, even once I let go of the controlled/guided meditation and released my mind to the dream world.

I say "controlled/guided" meditation, because I was doing this entirely on my own, controlling my breathing and my thoughts. I was in control of what those thoughts would be and where I wanted them to go, yet the images and senses I experienced would guide me toward the right direction. Like, my brain is a distant land, and my conscious mind knows it wants to meet my subconscious, it just needs to be guided on the right path to get there. I'm not sure if there is a better term for that, I haven't looked it up so I guess I'll have to do that sometime.

I began by closing my eyes, clearing my mind of everything, and only picturing my breathing. At first I was literally watching my chest rise and fall (in my mind) then the view changed to an overhead view of myself, but I was entirely shadow except for my chest, which was the only part of me I could physically see. I listened for the rhythmic in and out of my breathing, and although I wasn't sure what color I should be associating this with, suddenly, just with the thought of color, I began seeing yellow and a pinkish red; one for inhaling and one for exhaling, though I can't remember which was which. Slowly I brought to consciousness the rest of my body, starting with my feet and feeling each part of them, then moving up my legs, etc, till I was whole again. My feet were the only part of me I had to forcibly think about, the rest of myself followed naturally. I could see my entire self coming into view both as if I was tilting my head down and watching myself, and also as if from an overhead view.

Once I was whole again, within minutes of beginning this meditation, I felt a heaviness settle over me, as if someone had lain a large thick comforter over top me, but evenly across my entire body at once. This comforter not only laid on top of me but settled INTO me, becoming part of me, and then my body itself was heavy. There was a slight tingling sensation, as if a part of me had gone to sleep, but across my entire body, as if it was a part of that heaviness (that tingling you get when a body part goes to sleep, except 50% less "tingling" and 50% more "heavy"). Once again I'm not sure if there is a better term for that, I haven't looked that up either. I feel as if doing this on my own first, without really reading up on anything about it, I have a better chance of experiencing things more because I truly am experiencing them, and less because I read somewhere "that's what's supposed to happen."

I was shocked to see it hit me so quickly, I expected it to take longer and be harder to connect to, but there I was, just sort of drifting, my body heavy and although if I concentrated on a part of me I could feel it, I was... one. I was whole, though I don't think it was my body itself I was feeling this from. I decided that if I was going to ask my cards anything, I'd like to be in a comfortable place. Somewhere one friend could talk to another and be able to laugh and share things at ease. I felt a bit odd just floating in darkness--though it wasn't really "dark"... it wasn't really "light" either. It just.... was. It just was. So, I began to focus once more on my breathing, and see where it took me. I was brought to a beach. It was a bit chilly out, but the deep emerald of the ocean, the sea-foam green of the waves crashing against the light off-white eggshell of the sand... the sky was a light blue with streaks of grey and large puffy Cumulus clouds reaching ever upward. I could feel the sunlight at my back, and despite the chill in the air, the sand was nice and warm. I could literally feel the warmth radiating from the soles of my feet, begin to feel the sand itself between my toes; I could ACTUALLY smell the salt in the air, and hear the waves as they made their retreat back to the ocean, then rushed forward--gently--to wash up on the shore. If there was ever a beach I wanted to incorporate into my book, this world I was on was it. Though that thought didn't cross my mind until just now. =)

Anyways, so there I was on the beach. When suddenly, out of nowhere, someone steps in front of my view, and I was pulled back from this paradise into that "darness that wasn't dark" again. Everything seemed a smoky grey, not dark but not light. Light than dark, but not dark. I'm sorry, I really don't think I could explain it any better than that...

This person was a woman. She didn't seem to be wholly visible, though not transparent either. It was as if she was a sketch drawn on light smoky paper, outlined thinly in charcoal, but moving and in 3D. Okay actually the way she was in front of me and the way she moved don't seem to be possible at all, in any way I could describe it, so you'll just have to be satisfied with that description.

She had long hair that went down to the center of her back, yet it was disheveled. She seemed to be in her 40s, her face showed definite signs of the years. She had a crazed look on her face, and she was talking to me in a voice that I can only describe as annoying. She seemed somewhat rude and pushy, and she was apparently trying to get me to follow her, and although I took a few steps I did not initially like her. She really did seem somewhat crazy, and between her facial expressions that bunched her face up in unattractive positions and her bouncing around back and forth trying to get me to follow her, on top of her annoying and disrespectful tone of voice... I did not want to go anywhere with her.

I stood my ground and firmly told her no. I said that she had too much negativity surrounding her, and I would not allow myself contact or connection to one such as herself. I wanted positive influences and energy around me, I would ALWAYS surround myself with positivity, and I would not give in to negativity of any sort. I felt myself throwing positive energy at her, though I'm not sure if I was trying to push her away with it or surround her with it. She let out an exasperated sigh ("UGH!") And turned away from me stomping her foot, saying, "Fine! I'll stop! Geez." But then after she took a few steps away from me... she did stop. She just sort of... changed. Her hair was straight and healthy, her face had smoothed out and dropped nearly 20 years it seemed. She was smiling, and she was calm. She stepped back towards me till she was standing in front of me, and she seemed to be around my age now, asking me in a very pleasant voice if I would please follow her. It didn't seem like a trick of any sort, she did seem to be this nicer person, and so I began to follow her off in the distance, but we didn't get anywhere... after a few steps I found myself back on my beach, alone.

I glanced around and saw no sign of this mystery woman. I don't know if she was merely pretending to have been nice, or if my positive energy had transformed her that way, though after the thoughts I sent toward her, she did seem grateful. Once she was gone, I sort of "woke up" from my meditation, all thoughts of my purse-making gone at the time. Before I moved or sat up though, I concentrated on how I felt. I put my hand on top of my head to feel if it was warm, like it was the night I woke up at 2:00am and wrote myself that note; but it wasn't warm. I felt something was off though, and so I just ran my hands over various key points of my body and didn't have to search long. I felt that same warmth that I had felt before, this time directly in the center of my chest. It was located near my heart, but not off to the side as your heart is. Directly in the center. Does this have to do with the concentration I had on my breathing? Or the beach? Or this woman?

I don't know the answers to all of my questions; but what I do know is that I have a feeling I will be doing research on chakras this week. This is the second time a major part of my body, right down the center, has had this warmth, and I would like to know where all the chakras are located to see if they match up with the locations of the warming sensations.

I think I'll try meditating again tonight, and going back to my beach. Let's see if she comes back.