Full Moon Scrying, January 2016

Hello there, dearest. Once again, it has been ages since I've posted. I no longer wonder how people can 'study' for years and years. Especially if they get as distracted by life as I apparently do.

I have gotten back into an online pagan school that I was once in, that I'm using in part to fuel my desire to finally study my cards again. I am determined to get through them all eventually.

Although it's not entirely related to Tarot, I'm going to be attempting full moon scryings throughout the year. This one was especially important to me, because it is the first full moon of the new year. Last time I did a full moon scrying, it foretold my pregnancy with my daughter (which happened just a few weeks afterwards). This time, I believe it's talking about my career. It's still very new, and just began at the start of this year.

Usually, I use a black bowl of water. This time, I used my amethyst crystal ball. As I usually do at the start of the year, I ask the goddess what the year has in store for me.

The main point was for me to focus. Whether I was looking up or down, regardless of my bipolar mood. Focus, focus, focus. Even if that  means pulling things together or taking one at a time.

There were definite hints of Light and Shadow, which I'd like to attribute to my novel (which is about halfway through), but there were also hints of solid and ethereal (the solid was on top, but I'm not 100% sure if that makes a difference). I'd like to think this is telling me that the words I write down on the page are more important (and more useful) than the ones in my head; the book will never get finished if I don't write it down.

There were also two snowflakes. The closer I got, the more beautiful and intricate they were. They were usually apart, but sometimes got close together and seemed to dance around each other. When they would collide, it was just this beautiful intense rainbow and positivity.

The snowflakes were very much typical snowflake shapes on the outside, but the designs on them were very detailed on the inside. They were done in a series of tiny dots or pinholes, which let a bright light through. Sometimes the designs appeared to be human shaped (Gemini specifically) but sometimes it seemed like an open book. Always with symmetry.

I'm not entirely positive what the snowflakes were referring to. There were a few different things they could have been: my friend Michelle and I, who are two halves of a whole (literally sometimes I think we're the same person), my book and Michelle's (which are two tandem novels that intertwine), or my home life and my work life. 

All in all, I think as long as I focus on the task at hand as they come to me, and remember that FOCUSING is what I need to work on this year, everything will continue to go absolutely amazingly, as it has been since August. <3

Another Dream From the Cards

So, I pulled out my tarot cards last night. Late last night. I should have known they'd bring dreams, as always. Here's the link to the dream I had last night.

The Orphan Girl of the Moon

I had to set my cards aside when I got pregnant with my daughter last year, but she's one year old now, and I finally have the drive to pick it all back up. I'm really excited for that, because this learning curve with my cards is taking may more years than I had anticipated. Here's to finishing my initial run-through in 2016!

Full Moon Scrying January 15, 2014

The very first thing I see is a heart, followed by a five pointed star. Good beginning.

I see a man and a woman, their faces close together. They are interacting in some way, talking maybe. They are close. Together, they begin to drift farther and farther into the distance. Up close again, I now see a beautiful, fully blossomed tree of life. Then, a large rabbit the size of the tree hops into view.

Now there is a white bird flying (maybe a dove?). It seems to be struggling a lot, something is blasting it with a chaotic force over and over, and the force keeps getting stronger and more frequent.

I see some shapes that resemble children but it is hard to tell. Throughout the jumble of images I am able to pick out a dinosaur and a bat. Then I see a few items, but they do not seem random. They seem to be in a specific order, like they are telling a story. The items are (in order): bells (like wedding bells), shoes, dolls, dancing, sex (between a man and at least one woman, but they were so tangled in each others arms you could not tell).

I see the letter E. Then it progresses into daily life. There is cleaning, and someone serving another. There is fire, emotional I think. Then a random duck appears, briefly.

Someone is wishing for something, I see this via hands rubbing a genie's lamp. There is someone or something all seeing, watching over as a tornado strikes. Now unseen, more cleaning. Always cleaning, always unseen and cleaning.

The white bird returns, struggling against a storm. Then there is another five pointed star, flowers, and the word DARK repeatedly, as if to ensure I saw it. There is a calming peace, a prosperous beehive, and music that brings to mind contentment and ease. However, DARK comes again, this time with fire.


All of this so far, I feel like belongs to someone else. And I have a good idea of who the someones were! This last bit is about me.


There is now a small bird making a very long journey. It seems to be trying to undergo some sort of metamorphosis. It is having a hard time. It is also tethered... to me.

Animals flash through the vision. Dolphin, squid, cat. The walls are closing in on the poor bird, from the south. The moon hangs ever-present and grows stronger. As it does so, the small bird faces less and less struggles. It becomes something bigger and better, and can now fight against the oncoming storm.

Right after expressing my desire to end my scrying, I am shown letters. They spell Brentley, then the word 'Cards'.

Full Moon Scrying, December 17, 2013

I recently joined a group of wonderful people online who share and support each other in Wiccan, witchcraft, and spiritual knowledge and practices. I have already learned a lot with them, and found the inspiration to search and learn even more. Tonight, beneath the full moon, I decided to try my hand...and eyes, and mind... at Moon Scrying.

Moon scrying is (essentially) gaining wisdom and divination from the power and energy of the moon, via reflections of the moon in a dark bowl of water. Letting thoughts and images come to you and recording them. I took to this from a slightly different approach, first conversing with The High Priestess, whose presence I felt strongly in the night around me. I told her how I've been talking to the Empress lately, and how I have been pleading with her for my next child to be a daughter. I asked her to use her infinite wisdom and knowledge to try and influence this in reality. I then charged the water, poured it, and began the scrying by focusing on my question and topic (the possibility of having a child in the near future, and letting that child be a daughter).

The first thing that came together was a spider... a small, black spider weaving her web, quickly but methodically winding back and forth. Then I saw what I can only describe as a single sperm, a seed of life suspended alone in mid-air. Then I write, "No, there are 2 now." I see something inching along slowly. There is a cloudy sky, and the clouds part to reveal a beautiful bright sunrise. There is a bright star. Sleeping. Vertical slashes of light, mostly white but with hints of rainbows at the edges, as if seeing glares of light through a crystal. The slashes of light are coming from the earth and extending upwards to the sky. Then, the number 2 pops into my head.

At this point I realize that I hear an owl hooting in the near distance. I turn to the left to look in its direction, and listen for a moment. I feel a tugging in my mind behind me to the right, and I turn around to look across the pasture and into the wooded area. I feel something is coming. Not rushing, but moving steadily enough that I feel it. I look up at the moon. There is a child sitting there, I feel like I'm looking at her through a window. She is a happy child. She waved to me. Now I hear many owls calling to each other... and something else. I've never heard an owl make that sound, nor any mammal. But I know they are telling me that I've received my answer, and that my night is ending. The last image I am sent in regards to my topic is a lush tree with many hanging branches... and I watch as they bear a single fruit.

Now my focus is released, and I allow my mind to clear and receive anything the Goddess and the High Priestess might have to offer me, any blessings they will grant me. I am shown a few symbols.

These symbols are: A six-spoked wheel. A star. A triple crescent symbol, with three crescents of different size and shape. And the image of a woman, kneeling beneath a tree, which is bending in the wind.

I see the face of...a lemur, perhaps? Then I see a skull. But just for a second. There is a hand, wildly spinning a white chalice. From beneath it, it pours energy into another chalice of gold with 2-3 blue bands. Something is wrapping itself up tight, and safe, then struggles to be free. A flame dances just out of sight, and only the shadows it casts verify its existence. Two flower petals flutter in the wind, then become the wings of butterflies, slowy drawn to each other and coming together as one. The image stirs, and I get a glimpse of a child growing in a womb.

At this point I know I am running low on concentration, and should complete my scrying. As I said I would, I ended the night in a prayer of healing and positive energy, to send forth to my brothers and sisters in my group. Many of them are feeling ill lately, or have close family  in need of healing thoughts. But as I raised the bowl to greet the moon in an offering, she began frantically scribbling letters on the surface of the water. They seem to be a jumble of letters, and a few may be missing, but here is what I recorded:
b r m h r d
bad n
brad a
rancie na (then an up arrow)
I recorded these letters, but I don't think they are for me. Perhaps someone else or someone from the group can gain some meaning from them.

The lettering ended pretty quickly, and the feeling of rushed communication as well. Peaceful once more, I again raised the bowl to the moon, offering her the healing waters and praying that she allow the energy and positivity to flow from me, through her, and down her moonbeams to shine love and light and rejuvenation upon the group, especially those who need her most. The last image she showed me, as I took the bowl back down towards my chest, was a white dove flying from myself into open arms, being embraced, and exploding into a bright light of energy that covered everything.

Now done, I offered the water to the Earth and went back inside to record this here. I haven't  put much thought into what I have recorded tonight, but I think I will do that tomorrow. I hope my brothers and sisters felt the energy I sent to them, and I hope it helps them however they may need it.

Benedetto sia
Blessed be~

One Year Later...

It has been a year since I wrote in this blog. It has not been a year since I used my cards, though. I have taken them out a few times and reviewed the ones I have already studied, but sadly I have not had the time or emotonal motivation to study further. It has been a rough year, one that has led me over a crumbling bridge from a rocky friendship, crossing through rough waters of depression, and suffering at the hands of fate who have taken a dear friend too soon for my liking.

Through this all, it would be a lie if I said I haven't had a chance to study my cards--I've had many chances. But it wasn't until two days ago that I decided I needed my cards, and to continue along the spiritual journey down which they were leading me.

So, the other night I put my cards under my pillow, to reaquaint my mind with them. And I had a dream that I have not been able to get out of my head. A few of the details are unclear, but the parts that mattered are what I remember.

In this dream, I was with my old friend Megan and her boyfriend Chris. We had gone out somewhere, and they were taking me back home. She was driving, he was in the passenger seat, and I was sitting in back. The "home" they took me to was the house I used to live in back in South Carolina, one of my favorites of the houses I've lived in. My hubby was waiting for me in the kitchen. As I was getting out of the car, via the passenger side, Megan turns to me. We began saying our good byes, but she slowed down for a moment, and asked me... "Why?" I know there was more to the question,  and I think there were even a few other questions as well. But it was the word 'why' that stuck with me.

The past few days I have asked myself the same question. Why? ...why what? Why now? I believe part of me is ready to talk to them again. To slowly rebuild the bridge between us and rekindle the friendship. I've continued to ask myself why as I considered this. Is it because the loss of my best friend has reminded me that life is too short to fight and hold grudges? Is it because I miss having someone to talk to that understands me and has many of the same unique interests as I do? The biggest things to me seem to be the house we lived in, in the dream, and the fact that Megan was driving the car. Those are the factors I believe to be most important in my contemplations.

First of all, the house. It was--and will always be--my dream home. Aside from sharing the house with Navy shipmates and the fact that it's located in South Carolina, that house was sheer perfection. Living there in a dream indicates that I firmly believe I will be living in a house I like one day in the future, that I will be happy with my home. It's no secret that I can't stand our current living situation, but this year I was given the hope that one day in the future, we will move out of this house and into a house that fits our wants/needs.

Second of all, Megan driving. When we went to Florida to pick her up, a huge part of that was knowing that we were doing it not only so we'd both have each other closer, but also so she could have a chance at a better life. We were going to help her get on her feet, help her get a driver's license, a car, a job, and possibly even back into school for a better education. We wanted to help her form a stronger sense of self reliance, and be able to support herself and her kids as a strong willed single mother should. What had hit me so hard was that she went from one relatonship where she was being supported directly into another, and I was upset that she hadn't even attempted to rely on herself first. I was afraid that we had put so much stock into helping her, only to have her use it as a means to reach her new boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I was happy they clicked and that they were in love, but I thought they both needed to find themselves before they could really make such a radical life change. It has been nearly a year since we last saw each other, and it's not the fact that they are still together that makes me reconsider... neither is it the idea that I have no other choice--we've become friends with one of hubby's co-workers, and I get along wonderfully with his wife--no, what grts me thinking is that Megan has a job. She has taken a step for the better, a step that I have been waiting for. The thousand dollars we spent to drive to get her is not for a lost cause, because she IS, in fact, making positive changes! In the dream of course it was portrayed via her driving, but the idea is the same.

So now, here I am. Two friends down, depression playing games, and a long cold winter ahead. I cant help but wonder how the year will end. But I can make good use of it, and I know it is time to pull my cards back out. I could use a bit of spiritual guidance, friendship, and hope... and the idea that my friend may now be there to help aid in the guiding process... it's just one more reason I am motivated.

Tonight I held my cards, and went through the Major Arcana, comparing my initial thoughts of a year ago to my thoughts today. Tomorrow, I will review the ones I have previously studied. Hopefully I get much farther in 2014 than I did in 2013. May next year be ever better than this one.

Arcanum Journey: Six through Eight

I have studied the next three cards in the Major Arcana:
Six--The Lovers
Seven--The Chariot
Eight--Strength
I have found a connection between these three cards, and although they do follow the first six cards, they seem connected to each other more.

After having opened yourself to the Universe, been given the tools and access to the knowledge you seek, and being introduced to the four aspects of your inner Self, you are ready to move on and conquer the obstacles and inner conflicts that trouble you.

The Lovers is all about union. It's about looking inside yourself and coming to terms with the opposites and inner conflicts; it's about admitting and accepting your opposites and joining them together to become a unified duality. For instance, realizing that you can be muscular and still gentle, or beautiful and still smart. It's more than that though, it's understanding that your physical and spiritual selves work together in harmony. This card is also about romantic love and the joining of two people, although in a spiritual sense it's all about your own inner needs and self-love. This card also poses a choice, having to be discriminatory at times in order to move on and master the opposing forces within. Whatever choice you make, however, will be the right one, because it will make you whole.
The Chariot is the process of overcoming these forces and mastering them. The beasts that pull the chariot are the conflicting forces, and they are being mastered and controlled to work together in harmony and unison and guide the charioteer. This card is learning to use the opposites to your benefit, and move yourself in a forward direction toward something better.
Strength is the clarity and power you have after you have mastered your conflicts. Once you are in charge and in touch with yourself, Strength is the perfect combination of intuition and animalistic instinct that guides you and proves your strength, confidence, and worldly power. You use these traits spiritually, rather than overtaking everything physically. It shows your own "inner strength" and the willpower to overcome anything with your mind rather than just your body. This card says to me, "you have the clarity of mind now to go where you want to go, and to trust in that little voice in your head." This card boasts of victory, because you have officially overcome the obstacles you faced from the Lovers, and you have mastered the beasts of the Chariot.

I know in my heart that I still have obstacles and choices I must make and reconcile with. I believe this to be the area of my spiritual journey that I myself am on. I am curious as to what the next cards in the Major Arcana will reveal, since I think they will be what I have to look forward to in the upcoming stages of my life.

Arcanum Journey: Zero through Five

Many times I have been told, and I have read, that the Major Arcana tells a story. A story of a spiritual journey through life. I have had interest in Tarot for years and have worked with my starter deck for a long time now, and not once have I ever actually seen any sign that the cards really tell a story.

Then again, not once have I ever actually studied the cards and paid close enough attention to what they were trying to tell me. I have never opened myself up to the true power of the cards, I have never allowed them to speak through me rather than just to me. Now that I've begun studying my personal deck and really getting to know it, I'm beginning to see the bigger picture. I had gotten through the first three cards in October without really understanding the connection, but yesterday I picked them up again--finally having the time to study another card--and found myself having one of those 'A-ha!' moments. The cards just seemed to fall into place, and I was seeing connections to them left and right. I don't know if perhaps I had to get through more cards in order to see it, or maybe I just needed to stand back and see it all, like a map, rather than up close. Either way, I feel like I've formed the first TRUE bond with my cards, and I'm excited to study more.

But first, I'd like to write out this revelation of mine, so I can look back on it later and see how the next cards fit into the story. I feel like I've actually stepped forward on the path of my own personal spiritual journey.

So far, I have studied the first six cards in the Major Arcana.
0--The Fool
1--The Magician
2--The High Priestess
3--The Empress
4--The Emperor
5--The Hierophant
These first cards are what seems to be the beginning and the foundation of the journey.

The Fool is the first step; he is letting go of your fears and your insecurities and your philosophical doubts and taking the proverbial "leap of faith", saying that you are ready for a spiritual path to open up before you. You want it, and you are willing to trust the Universe and go where it leads; not necessarily blindly following, but hopefully trusting. You are clearing your mind, emptying your cup... You are at the start, though you have not yet started. It's like, getting into a vehicle which is about to take you on a long road trip. You haven't pulled out of the driveway yet, but you're in the car. It is the start of a new beginning, the welcoming of a new life.

The Magician is the Universe responding to you. He tells you that now, since you have opened yourself up to the spiritual world and are ready for it, he will begin to reveal answers to the mysteries of your inner Self. The first of these answers is the fact that you hold within yourself all the tools and knowledge and power to change the worlds around you, both your spiritual world and your physical. You can use these tools and knowledge, but only for positive ends. He is the true beginning of the journey, where you have everything you could ever need laid out before you, and you have only to imagine what you truly want or need, and you can make it so. He tells you that your physical world and your spiritual world are one and the same; your reality can be mere illusion, and illusion can solidify into reality.

Now that you have faith in the Universe and are willing to follow where it leads, and now that you know you have the power and tools to change your own life and outlook, you are introduced to the four people who will help guide you and teach you, who make it all possible.

The High Priestess and the Hierophant go together, as opposites working together to create balance and unity. In the same way, the Empress and the Emperor go together as well. The High Priestess and the Hierophant represent the two forms of the spiritual world and their connection to the physical world; the Empress and the Emperor represent the two forms of the physical world and their connection to the spirit realm.
The High Priestess talks about raw intuition. Getting in touch with your most inner Self, letting go of the physical world if need be and focusing on your truth, intuition, understanding, and subconscious. Literally being in the dream world. She states that there is a lot in this dream world, the Otherworld, that you don't understand or that has yet to be revealed to you, and that with meditation and divination and self exploration you can discover the answers you seek. You must want to see the answers though, you must actually seek them out. Once you know and are confident in your spiritual and intuitive beliefs and philosophies, you can begin to alter the physical world around you.
The Hierophant, although being of the spiritual world, is the physical representation of it. He stands for the established order, the named religious group or community in the physical world. He is the bridge between the two worlds, the speaker of the Universe. However he does not have to represent an actual religion; he can just be the philosophy or set of beliefs that you hold close. Either way, he is where you turn to in the real world when you need physical confirmation or support for your spiritual thoughts. A word of warning, however: power is corrupting, especially when one has such a position to be translating the "word of God", where they are in charge of someone elses spirituality. In such an instance, he represents a choice. Do you follow blindly, or do you go off on your own and make your own decision on what to believe? The Hierophant means that once you know and are confident in your belief system that you hold true to in the physical world, including morals, ethics, traditions, and duties, you can begin to alter the spiritual world around you.
The Empress goes back to the High Priestess in her high position and reverence. She is the ultimate mother--Mother Earth, the Virgin Mary, the fertility Goddess. She represents the female aspect of the physical realm, with all her spiritual strength. She is procreation, healing, nurturing, guiding, and life. She has the ability and the want to help and nurture others, and she has the physical strength so as not to deplete herself while doing so. She is the culmination of the Three, in whatever way resonates strongest with you personally. Whether as the mother, father, and child; as the Creator, the Sustainer, and the Destroyer; or as the spiritual world, the physical world, and the Otherworld (the dream world). She also represents the mother in a traditional family as well, as the housewife with her values and her place in the home.
The Emperor goes back to the Hierophant in his position as ruler. He is the authoritative father, literally representing authority, leadership, and strength. He is a passive ruler, guiding the physical world of the here-and-now with a watchful eye and a firm hand. He never goes looking for a fight, but he will not hesitate to defend or protect his morals or those things he feels responsible for. He is straightforward and confident in his traditions and values. He states that there is no rationalizing immoral behavior or saying that the end justifies the means; you do what you know to be right and good, and do not compromise your morals. He is the foundation, the rock to lean on and the mountain to look up to, and he is also the foundation of the traditional family as well. He takes the place of the father (naturally) and the family follows his example and values. He strives to have his physical accomplishments stand through time as a legacy to leave behind. His physical strength is drawn from his spiritual solidarity.

Now that I've gotten through the first few cards and really made the connections between them, I feel confident in my ability to continue on and understand and connect the rest of the Major Arcana as well. This has been an amazing journey already, and even just with these few cards I can almost feel myself opening up to a whole new spiritual world within. I don't know how I've made it this far in life without having this basic understanding, without knowing just how willing the Universe is to teach me. I suppose this is the feeling people get when they truly find God. It's amazing what you see when your eyes are opened.

Meditation Experiences

Last night, just before going to sleep, I decided I'd meditate. I was actually planning on doing it for a silly reason; I was putting my cards under my pillow and I was going to ask my cards if they had any cool ideas or designs for the purse I'm making. The components of this purse are very symbolic to me, and so I feel my cards may have some symbolic ideas for the design itself. I wanted to meditate to put myself into a dreamlike state, so that my subconscious would be the one asking, and would be more receptive to an answer, even once I let go of the controlled/guided meditation and released my mind to the dream world.

I say "controlled/guided" meditation, because I was doing this entirely on my own, controlling my breathing and my thoughts. I was in control of what those thoughts would be and where I wanted them to go, yet the images and senses I experienced would guide me toward the right direction. Like, my brain is a distant land, and my conscious mind knows it wants to meet my subconscious, it just needs to be guided on the right path to get there. I'm not sure if there is a better term for that, I haven't looked it up so I guess I'll have to do that sometime.

I began by closing my eyes, clearing my mind of everything, and only picturing my breathing. At first I was literally watching my chest rise and fall (in my mind) then the view changed to an overhead view of myself, but I was entirely shadow except for my chest, which was the only part of me I could physically see. I listened for the rhythmic in and out of my breathing, and although I wasn't sure what color I should be associating this with, suddenly, just with the thought of color, I began seeing yellow and a pinkish red; one for inhaling and one for exhaling, though I can't remember which was which. Slowly I brought to consciousness the rest of my body, starting with my feet and feeling each part of them, then moving up my legs, etc, till I was whole again. My feet were the only part of me I had to forcibly think about, the rest of myself followed naturally. I could see my entire self coming into view both as if I was tilting my head down and watching myself, and also as if from an overhead view.

Once I was whole again, within minutes of beginning this meditation, I felt a heaviness settle over me, as if someone had lain a large thick comforter over top me, but evenly across my entire body at once. This comforter not only laid on top of me but settled INTO me, becoming part of me, and then my body itself was heavy. There was a slight tingling sensation, as if a part of me had gone to sleep, but across my entire body, as if it was a part of that heaviness (that tingling you get when a body part goes to sleep, except 50% less "tingling" and 50% more "heavy"). Once again I'm not sure if there is a better term for that, I haven't looked that up either. I feel as if doing this on my own first, without really reading up on anything about it, I have a better chance of experiencing things more because I truly am experiencing them, and less because I read somewhere "that's what's supposed to happen."

I was shocked to see it hit me so quickly, I expected it to take longer and be harder to connect to, but there I was, just sort of drifting, my body heavy and although if I concentrated on a part of me I could feel it, I was... one. I was whole, though I don't think it was my body itself I was feeling this from. I decided that if I was going to ask my cards anything, I'd like to be in a comfortable place. Somewhere one friend could talk to another and be able to laugh and share things at ease. I felt a bit odd just floating in darkness--though it wasn't really "dark"... it wasn't really "light" either. It just.... was. It just was. So, I began to focus once more on my breathing, and see where it took me. I was brought to a beach. It was a bit chilly out, but the deep emerald of the ocean, the sea-foam green of the waves crashing against the light off-white eggshell of the sand... the sky was a light blue with streaks of grey and large puffy Cumulus clouds reaching ever upward. I could feel the sunlight at my back, and despite the chill in the air, the sand was nice and warm. I could literally feel the warmth radiating from the soles of my feet, begin to feel the sand itself between my toes; I could ACTUALLY smell the salt in the air, and hear the waves as they made their retreat back to the ocean, then rushed forward--gently--to wash up on the shore. If there was ever a beach I wanted to incorporate into my book, this world I was on was it. Though that thought didn't cross my mind until just now. =)

Anyways, so there I was on the beach. When suddenly, out of nowhere, someone steps in front of my view, and I was pulled back from this paradise into that "darness that wasn't dark" again. Everything seemed a smoky grey, not dark but not light. Light than dark, but not dark. I'm sorry, I really don't think I could explain it any better than that...

This person was a woman. She didn't seem to be wholly visible, though not transparent either. It was as if she was a sketch drawn on light smoky paper, outlined thinly in charcoal, but moving and in 3D. Okay actually the way she was in front of me and the way she moved don't seem to be possible at all, in any way I could describe it, so you'll just have to be satisfied with that description.

She had long hair that went down to the center of her back, yet it was disheveled. She seemed to be in her 40s, her face showed definite signs of the years. She had a crazed look on her face, and she was talking to me in a voice that I can only describe as annoying. She seemed somewhat rude and pushy, and she was apparently trying to get me to follow her, and although I took a few steps I did not initially like her. She really did seem somewhat crazy, and between her facial expressions that bunched her face up in unattractive positions and her bouncing around back and forth trying to get me to follow her, on top of her annoying and disrespectful tone of voice... I did not want to go anywhere with her.

I stood my ground and firmly told her no. I said that she had too much negativity surrounding her, and I would not allow myself contact or connection to one such as herself. I wanted positive influences and energy around me, I would ALWAYS surround myself with positivity, and I would not give in to negativity of any sort. I felt myself throwing positive energy at her, though I'm not sure if I was trying to push her away with it or surround her with it. She let out an exasperated sigh ("UGH!") And turned away from me stomping her foot, saying, "Fine! I'll stop! Geez." But then after she took a few steps away from me... she did stop. She just sort of... changed. Her hair was straight and healthy, her face had smoothed out and dropped nearly 20 years it seemed. She was smiling, and she was calm. She stepped back towards me till she was standing in front of me, and she seemed to be around my age now, asking me in a very pleasant voice if I would please follow her. It didn't seem like a trick of any sort, she did seem to be this nicer person, and so I began to follow her off in the distance, but we didn't get anywhere... after a few steps I found myself back on my beach, alone.

I glanced around and saw no sign of this mystery woman. I don't know if she was merely pretending to have been nice, or if my positive energy had transformed her that way, though after the thoughts I sent toward her, she did seem grateful. Once she was gone, I sort of "woke up" from my meditation, all thoughts of my purse-making gone at the time. Before I moved or sat up though, I concentrated on how I felt. I put my hand on top of my head to feel if it was warm, like it was the night I woke up at 2:00am and wrote myself that note; but it wasn't warm. I felt something was off though, and so I just ran my hands over various key points of my body and didn't have to search long. I felt that same warmth that I had felt before, this time directly in the center of my chest. It was located near my heart, but not off to the side as your heart is. Directly in the center. Does this have to do with the concentration I had on my breathing? Or the beach? Or this woman?

I don't know the answers to all of my questions; but what I do know is that I have a feeling I will be doing research on chakras this week. This is the second time a major part of my body, right down the center, has had this warmth, and I would like to know where all the chakras are located to see if they match up with the locations of the warming sensations.

I think I'll try meditating again tonight, and going back to my beach. Let's see if she comes back.

Made in Italy

I was just talking on the phone a few minutes ago, aimlessly glancing around the room as I did, and my eyes fell on the bottom end of my deck. I stopped speaking in mid-sentence.

There are three small words printed on the bottom:

MADE IN ITALY

I did not know my cards were made in Italy; this find amazes me and gives me one more reason to believe that these cards really were calling for me. With me being Italian (even though I have never been to Italy) it makes me feel as if my past and ancestry is reaching out to me through my cards.

I knew these cards called out to me. I knew they were right... Now there is no doubt.

Yet ANOTHER dream

I wish more of these posts were studying cards rather than linking to dreams.... So I'm going to fix that. If I want to read the dreams I've been having, I'll just go to my dream journal, My Sleeping Journey. I don't want to load my Tarot Journal up with dreams; that is what the dream journal is for in the first place. I will just have to label when a dream has occurred with my cards under my pillow; as a matter of fact I will actually use labels. =)

Either way, this will be the last random post just informing of my dreams. (Here's a link to my dream from last night).

Blur of Color, But Not a Dream

Well, last night was the first night since I began putting my cards under my pillow that I didn't necessarily "dream". Although I think it might be my own fault, I went to bed late and woke up early, and have been unable to go back to sleep, I think it's worth it. I went to bed late because I was laughing and snuggling up with my hubby, and I got up early and decided that since I couldn't sleep, rather than laying down till I drifted off, I would get online and start doing surveys.

However, just because I didn't "dream" doesn't mean I slept in darkness. Throughout the few hours I did sleep, I saw an array of colors and shapes and sounds and music. I felt motion. I was somewhere, doing something, I just can't remember much or pick out any particular shapes, colors, sounds, or movements.

I seem to recall something as if I was running through Azeroth in World of Warcraft... but as myself. That is the only tangible notion in a long string of intangibility that I can even attempt to grasp onto from last night. But in all the blur that there was, I don't want to actually label that as a "dream."

I think I'm going to try to study another card today though. Out of 78 cards, I would really rather go through the deck initially in less than 78 days...

Note to Self at 2:00am

I got up this morning and found that I had written myself a "note" on my phone's notepad app during the night. I do vaguely recall waking up, I remember hearing something and getting up and walking through the house, and after reading my note I do remember it all, though I know I would not have remembered a thing had I not taken the time to record it. So, thank you subconscious, for making me do so. Here's what I wrote.

It's 2:20am. I just woke up, though I'm not sure I was really sleeping. I could feel that swirling imagery of emotion in my head, the same feeling I get with the remnants of a dream fading. Except there was no dream to recall. Is this feeling simply me entering or leaving my subconscious? Or was there a dream I was not allowed to remember? Either way it gives me something to think about... With or without answers, however, I was reminded of a few things.

First of all, I had this feeling. I was still not in full consciousness; my eyelids were heavy... I could only barely open them. Not that I wanted to, but I felt comforted by the view of my surroundings, even if I could only just make out the ceiling and the soft blue glow of my computer. I couldn't move, my entire body felt as heavy as my eyelids, yet in proportion. If I had willed it, I think I could have moved. But my mind was elsewhere.

I had a random flash of a Harry Potter movie. It was a part of I believe the 5th or 6th one, or some combination of the two. It was a part where Harry is seeing a vision of the snake move down a hall, but I could see Harry with his hands on his head, not wanting to watch, and I could hear a voice gliding through the air telling him to train his mind, because "the bond goes both ways, you know." That part I heard loud and clear. I was then shown another view of Harry Potter, this time from the 4th movie. Harry was talking to Cedric Diggory. It was just after Harry had told him that the first challenge would be dragons, and Cedric was telling Harry "mull it over" in the water.

Though I have yet to consider why this was shown to me via Harry Potter other than because it's familiar to me and easy to understand, I believe this was a message. I don't know if it originated in my cards or my subconscious; but I believe them to be telling me that the bond between my mind and the cards goes both ways, if I only relax and take the time to think about it.

The second thing I was reminded of was that in the last few dreams I've had, there has been a snake. Sometimes it's been a prominent player in the dream and easily remembered, other times it was a side distraction given nothing more than a passing glance or a fleeting moment of fear and alarm. As many things as a snake might represent, my first instinct was that it represented temptation. I will not disregard this instinct, though I may still study this creature deeper, in search of hidden layered meanings.

The first temptation that comes to mind is World of Warcraft, and I can see why that might haunt me, since I once had an incredibly horrible addiction to the game and I have just recently given it a second chance while limiting myself, though I'm proud to know it doesn't always take center stage.

The second "Temptation" that comes to mind was more of  an involuntary chain thought exercise, and is the reason I'll be going back to sleep with "My Girl" playing in my head.

There was a quiet pulsating sound in my head as well when I was truly awake and able to move again. I'm not sure what it was but it made me uneasy, so I got up and walked through the house just sort of checking on things. I may have been overreacting because of the realization of snakes being so prominent without my realizing... either way, the house was fine. I did unplug the aquarium pump on the back porch though, as the water level is so low in the sump that it wasn't moving water. I'll have to fill it tomorrow.

I regret that I am still a bit jumpy right now... While in the living room during my search of the house, I felt... watched. I swore I could hear someone, somewhere, somehow... But there was no one there. Right now, sitting up in bed, I swear I just heard a thump as if someone had put their feet down on the floor, and a light scuffling as if taking a few steps but dragging their feet. I looked across the hall at the kids--I have an unobstructed view of them in their bed if I lean over the side of mine--but they are still sound asleep. It's this feeling of being monitored, not stared at or watched but simply monitored, that has me in this state of unease. I keep looking up at the hallway, as if expecting something to be there. Heaven help me when I glance up and something truly is there.

Except... somehow I feel like this "presence" is in my mind. I can feel a heaviness at the front of my mind. Not the front of my head; the front of my mind. On my head this feeling is actually located at the very top of my head (at the crown) and in the sides just above my ears.

!!!!!! Just now in an effort to use touch as a way to help me pinpoint this heaviness, I was running my fingers over my head, letting the sense of touch sort of "highlight" small sections at a time, so I could concentrate on individual parts of my head to detect this feeling. When I touched the very top of my head just now, it was warm! It was... heated. I ran my fingers back over other parts of my head, and they were cold. Not like, freezing or anything, but normal-- not heated. How incredible!

Well, I think it's time for me to go back to sleep, lest I miss out on the opportunity for a memorable dream tonight.

Sleep well, Dreamer.

I vaguely recall the heaviness I spoke of, both at the beginning and at the end. I recognize the feeling of being so heavy you cant move, or moving would be very difficult-- it's the same feeling I used to get when I meditated after doing yoga. I remember also the feeling of heaviness in my head; I had a headache before going to sleep and I had at first thought it was my headache returning, but I realized the heaviness was different; it was heavy, but not painful. I have experienced this before, though I can't recall any particular times.

I know of the parts of the movies I saw, though I don't believe I saw them the same way they actually played out in the movies. The message there is indeed clear, though I also don't know why it was shown to me via Harry Potter.
...I did not mean to type "also" just now. I was the one who wrote this, and so I should have said, "I still don't know", not also.
Perhaps it is the magic that is Harry Potter and that world of Hogwarts, and the magick of connecting to your true and inner Self.

I feel the need to point out that even in that small flash of Harry Potter, I saw a snake. I looked through the dreams I have posted the last few nights, and there have indeed been snakes in them. I don't know why this never occurred to me sooner. I'm not sure if there was a snake during my dream last night with my stepmom and the club, but having the snake in the Harry Potter flash still leaves me with a snake last night. I remember in my Ice Games dream there was a snake at the ice lockers and I thought I would find one behind the bed. In my Underwater Farm dream Mike had killed a strange, poisonous, yet non-aggressive snake. In my Walmart Trip there was a snake in the store. In my Boss Fights and Soup dream, although I was unable to see the boss, I know it to be a large snake. My Dragon King IS a giant serpent. There was a snake crossing my path in my Slenderman dream, and Slender himself seems to have black snakelike tendrils of darkness emanating from behind him. In the Dorm dream there was a snake in the dorm room, though I wouldn't have seen him while dreaming because he was hidden in the corner under trash, only his head poking out. This means that there has been a snake in my mind every single night since I began putting my cards beneath my pillow. I think this requires a lot more examination than just "World of Warcraft is in the back of my mind" though I do believe that has something to do with it.

I remember very well my feeling of unease and fear, and getting up and walking through the house. I remember hearing things, and turning only to see nothing. I am usually very good at rationalizing such sounds, knowing "that was the dog at the front door" or "the window in the kitchen is open and the breeze pushed the door a bit" but last night I couldn't come up with anything that satisfied my anxiety.

That song is still stuck in my head. -____-

The presence in my mind and the warmth on my head... those still amaze me. To have felt those things! I can't quite recall them right now, much like when you try to recall a dream and the emotions begin to fade from you until it's nothing but a fanciful story... I know I felt them but I can't make myself feel them now. I find myself touching the top of my head every time I think about it, wondering what it could mean. It makes me think of the flow of energy running through me, although I know I have horrible posture and my chakras are not aligned at all.

Keeping the cards under my pillow is doing more than I expected. I am still sticking to my new plan, to keep them under my pillow until the first night that I do not dream. They have shown me just how powerful they are... I have a deep respect for my cards, one they have very much earned these past eight nights. I think I'm going to study another card today.

Still Dreaming...

I haven't had time to study another card the past few days because I've been so busy dreaming!

Saturday night's dream
Sunday night's dream
Monday night's dream

 I know I told myself I would stop putting my cards under my pillow after a week; meaning that last night would have been the last night. But the fact that for the past seven nights I have had a different emotion-triggering dream every single night? I can't stop now. What if there is more to be transferred to my cards? What if there is more emotions and feelings to be brought to light? I will continue to put my cards under my pillow until the first night I don't dream. If that night is tonight, then so be it. But I will put them there anyways, just in case...

More Dreams!

Okay so Im a day behind on this, but the other night I had four dreams in one night! Two of them were related, and were about the Dragon King. The last two were very long and extremely vivid though, so I still haven't finished writing the dream of the Dragon King. I put links below for Part One, which has the first two dreams I had that were unrelated, and Part Two, which is the first dream about the Dragon King. I will edit this and link Part Three when I'm done writing it, which will contain the last dream.
The Dragon King (and Other Dreams) Part One
The Dragon King (and Other Dreams) Part Two

Then, last night, I had yet another dream, that was again four dreams in one night! (Here's a link to that specific dream.) These were not nearly as vivid, but still incredibly emotional and I am definitely noticing different emotions in each dream I've had these past four nights.

Sleeping with my cards under my pillow at night is doing wonders for connecting myself to my subconscious, as well as for transferring my energy into the cards. I had planned on doing this for one week, though it's already been half of a week and the dreams are still coming at me strong. I may just do this until the first night in which I don't dream.

Either that, or maybe there is a way to ask myself for certain things in my dreams. Perhaps find a way to alter my own dreams while I'm awake... then I can work my way into controlling my dreams while I'm in them? Sort of like, a dreamwalker. That would be intense, and very interesting. Though I doubt I'll ever achieve that level of subconscious connection.

Now that I've said that, I wonder if my dream tonight will portray doubt?

I have been meaning to begin studying the individual cards, but with all these dreams to record I haven't had the time. I doubt I'll have the time today either, since I still have to finish the Dragon King. Perhaps within the next few days.

Another Dream

I didn't have time today to start up with my in-depth study of the cards. However, I slept with the cards under my pillow again last night, and had another vivid dream! (Here's a link to that specific dream.) This time the dream was entirely about Fear.

I doubt it's coincidence that both nights I had the cards under my pillow, I had vivid dreams. The first dream was very emotional, and by that I mean my emotions were all over the place. I felt so many separate emotions in that dream that I couldn't help but think upon awakening that my subconscious was transferring my thoughts and feelings into the cards. Last night, with the dream being entirely about Fear, I think my subconscious was transferring my hopes and fears into the cards. Although very little did I feel hope during last night's dream...

I told myself when I first got this deck that I was going to sleep with it under my pillow for the first week, specifically for the purpose of transferring my own thoughts and energy to the cards, most specifically the thoughts and energy directly from my subconscious itself. I daresay it's working! I'm looking forward to seeing what kinds of dreams I have the next few nights, although now that I've noticed a pattern it would just be my luck that I won't have any dreams at all now. I should be thankful I was able to be "mentally present" for what transference has already taken place; it lets me know just what parts of me the cards are already in tune with.

Sometimes I forget that this isn't just about me getting to know the cards, but about the cards also getting to know me. Whether or not I dream the next few nights, I know I have already started on a journey that will take me farther than I had imagined.

Statement of Purpose / Introduction

I am keeping this journal in the hopes that, through recording my thoughts and observations about my tarot cards and readings, I might find myself closer to my inner Self. I would like to have a more open and receptive mind, be more connected with my spirituality, and feel a deeper closeness to the Inner World.

I have been a proud owner of a Tarot deck since I was around 14 or so, in high school. My mother gave me my starter deck, and I have the Everything Tarot Book to help guide me through meanings and interpretations. Only recently have I decided to reconnect with my cards, and I have also decided to find a deck I can connect with on a more personal level. I searched online through an extensive display of Tarot decks, from classic decks like the Ryder-Waite to more new-age modern decks like The Steampunk Tarot. I came across the Crystal Visions Tarot and something kept bringing me back to it's page. I felt a certain "pull" to this deck, and so my husband ordered it for me. It just arrived today. I have it in the packaging in front of me, still unopened.

I want to do it right with this deck. I also want this deck to be for my own personal use, for spiritual growth as well as personal readings. So far I am the only person who has touched the deck in it's manufactured box since it was packaged to ship to me.

The way I am planning to do this, I won't be doing any readings for a while yet with this deck. For now, if I want to do a reading, I will continue to use my starter deck.

I want to study my cards in turn, one at a time. I will write a short blog post about each card as I go. I will start with the Major Arcana, working my way through the cards in numerical order (0-21), then continuing with the Minor Arcana, through Wands, Pentacles, Swords, then Cups. The Minor Arcana I will do in order of King, Queen, Knight, Page, Ace, then 2-10. I will describe the card in detail, every last detail that caught my eye, and my overall feel for each card, as well as my first impressions and thoughts.

As I do this, I will be using my Everything Tarot book to read standard/basic interpretations, noting any differences my first impressions led me to. By the time I have gone through each card in the deck, getting to know each one intimately, I will be ready to begin practice readings. Hopefully throughout my study I will find the methods of shuffling and cleansing that I am the most comfortable with, and I'd like to start noting my personal routines and habits as well.

Today, I will simply hold each card in turn, sort of in a casual greeting. Tomorrow, I will begin my journey more personally. Wish me luck! =)