Full Moon Scrying, January 2016

Hello there, dearest. Once again, it has been ages since I've posted. I no longer wonder how people can 'study' for years and years. Especially if they get as distracted by life as I apparently do.

I have gotten back into an online pagan school that I was once in, that I'm using in part to fuel my desire to finally study my cards again. I am determined to get through them all eventually.

Although it's not entirely related to Tarot, I'm going to be attempting full moon scryings throughout the year. This one was especially important to me, because it is the first full moon of the new year. Last time I did a full moon scrying, it foretold my pregnancy with my daughter (which happened just a few weeks afterwards). This time, I believe it's talking about my career. It's still very new, and just began at the start of this year.

Usually, I use a black bowl of water. This time, I used my amethyst crystal ball. As I usually do at the start of the year, I ask the goddess what the year has in store for me.

The main point was for me to focus. Whether I was looking up or down, regardless of my bipolar mood. Focus, focus, focus. Even if that  means pulling things together or taking one at a time.

There were definite hints of Light and Shadow, which I'd like to attribute to my novel (which is about halfway through), but there were also hints of solid and ethereal (the solid was on top, but I'm not 100% sure if that makes a difference). I'd like to think this is telling me that the words I write down on the page are more important (and more useful) than the ones in my head; the book will never get finished if I don't write it down.

There were also two snowflakes. The closer I got, the more beautiful and intricate they were. They were usually apart, but sometimes got close together and seemed to dance around each other. When they would collide, it was just this beautiful intense rainbow and positivity.

The snowflakes were very much typical snowflake shapes on the outside, but the designs on them were very detailed on the inside. They were done in a series of tiny dots or pinholes, which let a bright light through. Sometimes the designs appeared to be human shaped (Gemini specifically) but sometimes it seemed like an open book. Always with symmetry.

I'm not entirely positive what the snowflakes were referring to. There were a few different things they could have been: my friend Michelle and I, who are two halves of a whole (literally sometimes I think we're the same person), my book and Michelle's (which are two tandem novels that intertwine), or my home life and my work life. 

All in all, I think as long as I focus on the task at hand as they come to me, and remember that FOCUSING is what I need to work on this year, everything will continue to go absolutely amazingly, as it has been since August. <3

Another Dream From the Cards

So, I pulled out my tarot cards last night. Late last night. I should have known they'd bring dreams, as always. Here's the link to the dream I had last night.

The Orphan Girl of the Moon

I had to set my cards aside when I got pregnant with my daughter last year, but she's one year old now, and I finally have the drive to pick it all back up. I'm really excited for that, because this learning curve with my cards is taking may more years than I had anticipated. Here's to finishing my initial run-through in 2016!

Studying the Cards: 9--The Hermit

Interpretation Given By My Everything Tarot Book states:
When the Hermit appears in a reading, there are two separate possibilities of interpretation. One is that a guide figure is at hand, offering help. Depending on the card's position in the layout, the guide figure may be close at hand only waiting for the querent to make communication with him, or he may be at a distance and require the person to make an effort through meditation or consciously beginning a search.
A second interpretation is that the questioner must voluntarily withdraw from contact with the outer world for a time in order to search his or her soul for the meaning of his or her life. The implication is that the inner work needs to be done now, and that Spirit cannot speak to you if you are totally distracted by the hurly-burly and noise of everyday life. The need to search for Truth for the individual is urgent, and it can only be done alone.
Whichever interpretation seems to suit the readee, and the question being put to the Tarot cards, the overall meaning is that the time has come to reunite with the Source, whether for guidance or inner balance. Sometimes, the guide figure may represent a person, such as a counselor of some sort--a therapist or clergy person--but usually it refers to inner guidance, or the getting in touch with a guide from the other side.

In a Reading:
The Hermit is a guide figure. Depending on where he appears in the layout, he is either nearby waiting for you to call on his wisdom, or he is waiting patiently for you to turn to him for advice. Usually, you are aware of his influence, but you may be ignoring it. At this time, you may be involved actively in seeking guidance from the "invisible world." This may take a physical form: you may be isolating yourself in some way, going out of town for a few days to be alone with yourself, or, if staying home, turning off the phone and seeking solitude. You want to gain some perspective on your life, and you are open to the inner guidance that is available to you upon request.

Description:
My book describes the Hermit as an old man holding a staff and a lighted lantern. In my card, it is a woman, wearing a white cloak and hood, and holding a staff with a lantern on the end. The robes are said to be plain and unadorned, like those of a monk, and the Hermit symbolizes wisdom in a way that most old men are depicted--the "sage" or wise man of legend. My Hermit does appear to be wise beyond her years, and although she doesn't look old, she has a strand of silver hair falling in front of her face.
The book describes the Hermit as always walking or standing, and looking off somewhere that we can't see--presumably towards our futures. He is a guide and a teacher, and the background is usually drawn as mountains in the distance, to symbolize the heights that he has reached and how he has returned to us to help us develop and reach those heights as well. The book notes that he is "wise in the ways of all the worlds, visible and invisible, material and immaterial." In my book she is sitting on the edge of a cliff, looking downwards into a rocky valley that I can't see. There are indeed mountains behind her, as in the traditional Hermit cards.
The book states that the Hermit is a loner, seeking truth, lighting the way for others to follow. He needs no sign of royalty because he is only there to guide us to the truth and show us direction. The book says that the wooden staff is to symbolize a connection to nature, and the staff in my card does seem to be made of wood.
The bent posture and serious expression connect the Hermit to Father Time, and the book also states he is connected to Saturn. Saturn symbolizes boundaries, limitations, and obstacles in life. His solitary lifestyle indicates the need to withdraw from the everyday world sometimes and regain perspective through "silent reflection." My card also displays a slightly bent over Hermit.

Details I've Noticed:
In my card, the Hermit is much like in other cards. It is a woman though, and although she doesn't seem old, she does have a visible strand of silver hanging in front of her face. She is slightly bent over, a symbol of having been through time and gained wisdom from experience. She is wearing a simple white robe with a white cloak and hook, reminiscent of the wise simple monks, and she carries a wooden staff with a curve at the top and a bright lantern hanging from the staff. The wood of the staff offers a sign that she is One with nature and the physical world, while her beautiful lacy white wings (on my card) indicates that she is also One with the spiritual inner world. Her lantern lights the way for others, as she is a guide and teacher and is here to offer advice and guidance as we take the journey that she has already been on. She sits on the edge of a cliff, which reminds me of the Fool card, and it makes me think that she is sitting at that same cliff as a sign that she has been with us since the start of our journey, just waiting for us to reach out to her for advice and help. The mountains in the background speak of the heights she has reached in her experiences, and the obstacles she will help us overcome as well, if only we ask. It looks like a sunrise is coming up behind the mountains, which I think means that the knowledge and advice we gain from the Hermit will lead us to brighter days.
In a reading, this card represents one of two things. It can either represent that there is someone in our lives that is waiting patiently for us to ask for advice, or that the person is far from us and we have to seek them out. It could also represent that we must withdraw from the rest of the world from time to time and reflect on who we are and who we want to be, deep within our inner selves.
I should also take note that the Hermit is card number 9, which is a number of humanitarianism, compassion, tolerance for differences, attainment of wisdom through experience, integration, and completion. Whatever cycle had just happened is ending now, and you have learned what you needed from it. You have learned much (or are about to learn much from the Hermit) and have recognized not only the wholeness of each individual around you, but of yourself as well. It is this understanding and wisdom that allows you to pass over differences and be forgiving and compassionate--as a wise one might be as well (like the Hermit, as an excellent example). But although this is a number of completion in the big picture, remember that this card teaches us to keep our introspection alive, so we don't lose ourselves in the totality.

Full Moon Scrying January 15, 2014

The very first thing I see is a heart, followed by a five pointed star. Good beginning.

I see a man and a woman, their faces close together. They are interacting in some way, talking maybe. They are close. Together, they begin to drift farther and farther into the distance. Up close again, I now see a beautiful, fully blossomed tree of life. Then, a large rabbit the size of the tree hops into view.

Now there is a white bird flying (maybe a dove?). It seems to be struggling a lot, something is blasting it with a chaotic force over and over, and the force keeps getting stronger and more frequent.

I see some shapes that resemble children but it is hard to tell. Throughout the jumble of images I am able to pick out a dinosaur and a bat. Then I see a few items, but they do not seem random. They seem to be in a specific order, like they are telling a story. The items are (in order): bells (like wedding bells), shoes, dolls, dancing, sex (between a man and at least one woman, but they were so tangled in each others arms you could not tell).

I see the letter E. Then it progresses into daily life. There is cleaning, and someone serving another. There is fire, emotional I think. Then a random duck appears, briefly.

Someone is wishing for something, I see this via hands rubbing a genie's lamp. There is someone or something all seeing, watching over as a tornado strikes. Now unseen, more cleaning. Always cleaning, always unseen and cleaning.

The white bird returns, struggling against a storm. Then there is another five pointed star, flowers, and the word DARK repeatedly, as if to ensure I saw it. There is a calming peace, a prosperous beehive, and music that brings to mind contentment and ease. However, DARK comes again, this time with fire.


All of this so far, I feel like belongs to someone else. And I have a good idea of who the someones were! This last bit is about me.


There is now a small bird making a very long journey. It seems to be trying to undergo some sort of metamorphosis. It is having a hard time. It is also tethered... to me.

Animals flash through the vision. Dolphin, squid, cat. The walls are closing in on the poor bird, from the south. The moon hangs ever-present and grows stronger. As it does so, the small bird faces less and less struggles. It becomes something bigger and better, and can now fight against the oncoming storm.

Right after expressing my desire to end my scrying, I am shown letters. They spell Brentley, then the word 'Cards'.

01/08/14 Tarot Reading (Older Deck)

Well, I wasn't going to put readings in this blog unless they were from my Crystal Visions deck. However, I knew I had to record this SOMEWHERE, because it was a huge important reading, and I wanted to be able to share it with those who it may affect without having to type it via Facebook chat.

First of all, a bit of background as to why I did this reading, and something interesting I noticed afterwards, before I began to type it up. Yesterday I was talking to my best friend and we wrote a healing spell. I was really happy with the way it came out, I felt proud of it because I felt a lot of power and potential in it. Earlier today hubby and I had revisited a discussion we have at least once a week: will he lose his job at work due to the unfortunate circumstances that arose last December? And if he finds a new job, will we be staying here in our area, or even in our state, or will we be moving across the country?

These are questions we ask ourselves and each other often. Mostly because we are both worried for the future and what will happen, where we will go, and who we will live near. We have family stretched across the U.S., so wherever we go we will be closer to some and farther from others. It's a win-lose-win however we look at it (but definitely always more of a positive than a negative).

So today I decided that hubby was stressed out enough as it is, and that the healing spell could help him out. I have never actually cast a spell, or performed a real ritual, so I was sort of winging it to the best of my ability. And I figured that, worst case scenario, it acts as a prayer rather than a spell... which is still putting good energy out there towards my hubby.

The Ritual

First, I got out a plain white ceramic bowl, a white candle, and a small twig of sage. On a piece of an index card, I wrote the following spell:
Light of Hope, Light of Faith
Heal him with your warm embrace.
My love and friend, he needs you now
His mind and body please endow
Share your strength, share your power
I ask you Goddess, in this Hour
Send away the pain and strife,
Lift his spirits--heal his life.

On the back of the card, I wrote:
For my husband, Michael Burton
Please help him find a good job, that pays well, that he will enjoy, that will heal him and make him feel better, something that will be good for him... for us all.

I then lit the candle, and without thinking rolled the wax around a bit to drip into the base of the candleholder, to make sure the candle didnt tip. Doing this cleared my mind. I took the sage and held the tip to the flame, and did a small smudging of the area I was sitting in, preforming this little ritual. Afterwards I set it in the ceramic bowl, and while it continued to smoke, I started talking to the Goddess. I just spoke outloud, the way I would talk to a friend, but I was very respectful and asked her nicely if she would please help me cast this spell, and if she would help my hubby, who needed her strength and healing. I said the spell, and as I spoke the last line, I touched the edge of the paper to the candle and watched  it begin to burn. Once half of the page was lit, I placed it gently into the ceramic bowl on top of the sage and sat there patiently watching it burn until it was nothing but ash. I didnt know how to conclude a ritual, but I knew that as a Roman Catholic, at the end of mass, we take communion (the body and blood of Christ) and I recently read something saying rituals commonly include cake and ale. I figured it was much the same idea, and though I did not have cake and ale, I had a small stuffed mushroom and some black tea, which I said out loud would have to be my replacement. Then I thanked the goddess for her time, offered "Blessed be" as a final word, and blew out the candle.

~~~

Well, wouldn't you know it, exactly three hours after completing the ritual, hubby gets a phone call.

He has been putting his resume out there on the internet, and someone called from Virginia. Not for a job in Virginia, but from a company that assists veterans and military in finding jobs when they get out of the service. They were talking about a job opening in Salt Lake City, Utah... where my dad lives. One of the places we had been looking at moving to, if they ever had a job. The starting salary naturally is lower than what he makes now, which is to be expected, but it's not a terrible drop. He asked hubby to send him a copy of his resume to put in for it. So, we will see what happens with that. But it was too much of a coincidence for it to be simply chance. I brought this with my spell. I was ecstatic at first... until I thought about my best friend.

My best friend moved out here to be closer to me. We had a rough patch, then reconnected. It would kill us both to be so far apart again. Then I was reminded of a dream I had last year. Right after the circumstances that made us consider a move in the first place. In the dream, I got two words: March, and Five. I was thinking about how I wanted a baby girl, and how I thought my friend might get pregnant and wanted to know when. But after today, I started to wonder if perhaps that reading was actually telling me when a new sort of life would begin. I did a moon scrying last month and asked about a baby, and the only definitive answer I got was the number 2. So now there are three words I received, and nothing to do but wait and see how they fit into my life. However, March is coming up fast, and I'm wondering if maybe "new life" is going to be a new life in Utah. But the number 2... will that mean the duality and friendship me and my bestie share will not be broken by the distance IF we do move? I needed to know more. So here is the Celtic Cross reading I did.

Also, keep in mind that everything comes in threes... It took THREE hours between the ritual ending and the phone ringing. There are THREE Major Arcana cards in this reading. The Empress--Major Arcanum THREE--is in the reading. She is a HUGE representation of the three for me, so I know she is the third.

If you don't want to read each individual card and what I gathered from it, at the bottom I give a short summary of what this means to me. Feel free to skip ahead if you like. =)

Celtic Cross Spread

Card 1: This covers you. Describes the querent's immediate concerns.
16: The Falling Tower
I'm concerned with the idea of moving. Of breaking out of this bad habit we are in, this horrible house and the constant saying "one day we'll get a better house." I'm concerned with hubby losing his current job, and us moving far from my best friend. My Everything Tarot Book says that sometimes, there IS a real loss... in this case, I'm worried that the loss will be my best friend... but that overall, the idea that things would have to change eventually could have easily been foreseen, and that I know it's time to let go of our current lifestyle and move on to better things. But I'm unsure how to move forward from here if the time does come that we move, especially if that move is to Utah.

Card 2: This crosses you. Describes obstacles facing the querent.
Ace of Wands
The obstacle presented is clearly moving to a new job. My Everything Tarot Book describes "a new beginning of an enterprise involving business or finance." Clearly the idea of actually leaving behind my discontent and negative energy is daunting... can I REALLY do something that is GOOD for me? But mostly, this is a new job opportunity for hubby. This card represents the possibility of him relocating us to Utah, if he is offered the position.

Card 3: This crowns you. Describes what is known to the querent objectively.
Eight of Cups
I know for a fact that it is time to get out of this house. The only option here, if the job becomes a definite thing, is to take it and move. This house is falling apart, we tried to fix it, and it just gets worse regardless of what we do. It is--on our financial budget--a lost cause. We know it, our families know it, the DOG knows it. Time to move on. Though, the reason this card feels sad in this reading, is because I will be leaving my best friend.

Card 4: This is beneath you. Describes past influences affecting the situation.
Nine of Swords
The past influences this card is describing are the events of last December, the entire reason we are looking for a new job and house in the first place. We are being forced to make changes, though I WILL see this as a positive card... we are being guided to step up and make the changes that we have continuously put off time and again. The fear and anxiety this card talks about is not just my own negativity from the prison of this house, but it is also the fear, anxiety, and disappointment of my hubby who strives to offer his family the life he feels they deserve.

Card 5: This is behind you. Describes past influences now fading away.
Queen of Wands
Without even needing to look this card up, I know it represents myself and my own mental and emotional struggles over the past years. This card is my Significator. You see, after being in this house for so long, alone and with only my depression to comfort me, marriage problems were arrising and we both knew that this house was the biggest change we could make. The first time we ever said out loud, in agreement, "One day, we will leave this house," it was like seeing the sun for the first time. It gave me hope and gave me something to look forward to. Now that me and my best friend are together again, it is no wonder that this card and it's influence in our reasons for leaving is in the position of fading away. I have not felt the depression since we reconnected. My emotional state is no longer the driving force behind our decision.

Card 6: This is before you. Describes new circumstances coming into being.
3: The Empress
For months I have been getting the Empress card in readings. For months, I have been reading for a hopefully-soon future pregnancy. I have been seeing children and the Empress both in my dreams, in my tarot readings, and in my scrying. Now, either this card is tossing in the "Hey by the way, dont forget, a pregnancy is coming soon!" or it represents something more. For example, the idea that I must be nurturing of my friendship with my bestie, most especially if our friendship becomes long distance again. It has caused me to wonder if perhaps all the "new life" I've been seeing in my visions is actually a true NEW LIFE, a new start, and new changes. As this card always comes in threes for me, I know the third meaning behind it is my newfound delving into spirituality. I am nurturing myself and my knowledge, and as three can also represent the motion of life, I am walking my path and growing as a person. Of course, even with the possibility of a move in the near future, I will still pray for a daughter. ;)

Card 7: This is your Self. Describes the querent's current state of mind.
19: The Sun
Okay I want to start out saying how perfectly this card fits-- as do they all, really, but this one in particular. Ever since getting my best friend back and officially coming out and being determined and proud in my spirituality, life has been up. I'm happy, I'm not depressed, I'm full of energy (most days) and I know that everything will be okay no matter what. I am motivated to learn and I am gaining confidence in myself. My current state of mind is that the Goddess has heard my prayers and will arrange things so it all works out, even if I don't understand her methods at this moment.

Card 8: This is your House. Describes what surrounds the situation.
Six of Coins
Now, this card makes sense, but not quite in the way the book describes. The book describes this card to mean that I am financially stable, and in a stateof abundance and prosperity. Not that we're doing badly, we get along just fine and usually have a little extra to spend. But this card is telling me that what is surrounding the situation is the opportunity to be abundant. The opportunity to have good coming toward us in the form of a new job. The opportunity for us to NOT experience financial insecurity. Basically, it's saying not to worry about what happens IF hubby loses his job, because we will be okay financially.

Card 9: This is what you hope or fear. Describes what the querent wants and/or fears.
Knight of Swords
This card represents action. It represents how much I want to get out of this house, how aggressive I am being in my spiritual affirmations, and how I expect everything will work out, that I will be in control. At the same time, he represents the fear I have of a struggle, of the conflict of being far from my best friend and what we can do about it. The fear that I will lose that battle, or be powerless to do anything positive toward the situation.

Card 10: This is what will come. Describes the likely future outcome.
Ten of Wands
This card calmed me down, but only slightly. It speaks of a new cycle, new responsibilities, and heavy burdens that I feel I CAN carry. This is good, because it is saying that no matter what happens, I have the faith that I can handle it. It does speak of possibly carrying more than my fair share of the weight, however, and this put one thought into my mind... the future outcome still has yet to be decided. It doesn't matter whether we move or not, I can handle a move. And if my bestie and I are far apart again, we've done it before and we did okay. What it means most though, is that I can ask for help. I dont have to sit here and worry about keeping in touch and being alone. Because hey, the strain and burden of moving is not just my own... my bestie and her man have also had moving on their minds. Who's to say they dont consider Utah too?

Summary:
I'm excited at the thought of hubby getting this new job. It stops us from worrying about what we'll do if he loses his current job, it brings us closer to my dad, it brings us to a part of the country that we enjoy visiting, it gives us the opportunity to find a new house and some land up north, and it will be an adventure. There is NO GUARANTEE that he will even get the job, and this all may be for naught. But one thing these cards are telling me for sure: something new is coming. And it's coming soon. A new adventure and a new aspect of life are headed our way, and no matter what, my friend and I can get through it TOGETHER.

Edit: Just a little amendment to the end of that, but I always ask for one last clarification card after a reading, for some advice. I got the 5 of cups. It tells me that all the freaking out I'm doing and worrying, I need to calm down. That I have a CHOICE, and that rather than sitting here worrying about what happened or what might go wrong, I can consider what can go RIGHT. All about the choice and how we look at it.

Full Moon Scrying, December 17, 2013

I recently joined a group of wonderful people online who share and support each other in Wiccan, witchcraft, and spiritual knowledge and practices. I have already learned a lot with them, and found the inspiration to search and learn even more. Tonight, beneath the full moon, I decided to try my hand...and eyes, and mind... at Moon Scrying.

Moon scrying is (essentially) gaining wisdom and divination from the power and energy of the moon, via reflections of the moon in a dark bowl of water. Letting thoughts and images come to you and recording them. I took to this from a slightly different approach, first conversing with The High Priestess, whose presence I felt strongly in the night around me. I told her how I've been talking to the Empress lately, and how I have been pleading with her for my next child to be a daughter. I asked her to use her infinite wisdom and knowledge to try and influence this in reality. I then charged the water, poured it, and began the scrying by focusing on my question and topic (the possibility of having a child in the near future, and letting that child be a daughter).

The first thing that came together was a spider... a small, black spider weaving her web, quickly but methodically winding back and forth. Then I saw what I can only describe as a single sperm, a seed of life suspended alone in mid-air. Then I write, "No, there are 2 now." I see something inching along slowly. There is a cloudy sky, and the clouds part to reveal a beautiful bright sunrise. There is a bright star. Sleeping. Vertical slashes of light, mostly white but with hints of rainbows at the edges, as if seeing glares of light through a crystal. The slashes of light are coming from the earth and extending upwards to the sky. Then, the number 2 pops into my head.

At this point I realize that I hear an owl hooting in the near distance. I turn to the left to look in its direction, and listen for a moment. I feel a tugging in my mind behind me to the right, and I turn around to look across the pasture and into the wooded area. I feel something is coming. Not rushing, but moving steadily enough that I feel it. I look up at the moon. There is a child sitting there, I feel like I'm looking at her through a window. She is a happy child. She waved to me. Now I hear many owls calling to each other... and something else. I've never heard an owl make that sound, nor any mammal. But I know they are telling me that I've received my answer, and that my night is ending. The last image I am sent in regards to my topic is a lush tree with many hanging branches... and I watch as they bear a single fruit.

Now my focus is released, and I allow my mind to clear and receive anything the Goddess and the High Priestess might have to offer me, any blessings they will grant me. I am shown a few symbols.

These symbols are: A six-spoked wheel. A star. A triple crescent symbol, with three crescents of different size and shape. And the image of a woman, kneeling beneath a tree, which is bending in the wind.

I see the face of...a lemur, perhaps? Then I see a skull. But just for a second. There is a hand, wildly spinning a white chalice. From beneath it, it pours energy into another chalice of gold with 2-3 blue bands. Something is wrapping itself up tight, and safe, then struggles to be free. A flame dances just out of sight, and only the shadows it casts verify its existence. Two flower petals flutter in the wind, then become the wings of butterflies, slowy drawn to each other and coming together as one. The image stirs, and I get a glimpse of a child growing in a womb.

At this point I know I am running low on concentration, and should complete my scrying. As I said I would, I ended the night in a prayer of healing and positive energy, to send forth to my brothers and sisters in my group. Many of them are feeling ill lately, or have close family  in need of healing thoughts. But as I raised the bowl to greet the moon in an offering, she began frantically scribbling letters on the surface of the water. They seem to be a jumble of letters, and a few may be missing, but here is what I recorded:
b r m h r d
bad n
brad a
rancie na (then an up arrow)
I recorded these letters, but I don't think they are for me. Perhaps someone else or someone from the group can gain some meaning from them.

The lettering ended pretty quickly, and the feeling of rushed communication as well. Peaceful once more, I again raised the bowl to the moon, offering her the healing waters and praying that she allow the energy and positivity to flow from me, through her, and down her moonbeams to shine love and light and rejuvenation upon the group, especially those who need her most. The last image she showed me, as I took the bowl back down towards my chest, was a white dove flying from myself into open arms, being embraced, and exploding into a bright light of energy that covered everything.

Now done, I offered the water to the Earth and went back inside to record this here. I haven't  put much thought into what I have recorded tonight, but I think I will do that tomorrow. I hope my brothers and sisters felt the energy I sent to them, and I hope it helps them however they may need it.

Benedetto sia
Blessed be~

One Year Later...

It has been a year since I wrote in this blog. It has not been a year since I used my cards, though. I have taken them out a few times and reviewed the ones I have already studied, but sadly I have not had the time or emotonal motivation to study further. It has been a rough year, one that has led me over a crumbling bridge from a rocky friendship, crossing through rough waters of depression, and suffering at the hands of fate who have taken a dear friend too soon for my liking.

Through this all, it would be a lie if I said I haven't had a chance to study my cards--I've had many chances. But it wasn't until two days ago that I decided I needed my cards, and to continue along the spiritual journey down which they were leading me.

So, the other night I put my cards under my pillow, to reaquaint my mind with them. And I had a dream that I have not been able to get out of my head. A few of the details are unclear, but the parts that mattered are what I remember.

In this dream, I was with my old friend Megan and her boyfriend Chris. We had gone out somewhere, and they were taking me back home. She was driving, he was in the passenger seat, and I was sitting in back. The "home" they took me to was the house I used to live in back in South Carolina, one of my favorites of the houses I've lived in. My hubby was waiting for me in the kitchen. As I was getting out of the car, via the passenger side, Megan turns to me. We began saying our good byes, but she slowed down for a moment, and asked me... "Why?" I know there was more to the question,  and I think there were even a few other questions as well. But it was the word 'why' that stuck with me.

The past few days I have asked myself the same question. Why? ...why what? Why now? I believe part of me is ready to talk to them again. To slowly rebuild the bridge between us and rekindle the friendship. I've continued to ask myself why as I considered this. Is it because the loss of my best friend has reminded me that life is too short to fight and hold grudges? Is it because I miss having someone to talk to that understands me and has many of the same unique interests as I do? The biggest things to me seem to be the house we lived in, in the dream, and the fact that Megan was driving the car. Those are the factors I believe to be most important in my contemplations.

First of all, the house. It was--and will always be--my dream home. Aside from sharing the house with Navy shipmates and the fact that it's located in South Carolina, that house was sheer perfection. Living there in a dream indicates that I firmly believe I will be living in a house I like one day in the future, that I will be happy with my home. It's no secret that I can't stand our current living situation, but this year I was given the hope that one day in the future, we will move out of this house and into a house that fits our wants/needs.

Second of all, Megan driving. When we went to Florida to pick her up, a huge part of that was knowing that we were doing it not only so we'd both have each other closer, but also so she could have a chance at a better life. We were going to help her get on her feet, help her get a driver's license, a car, a job, and possibly even back into school for a better education. We wanted to help her form a stronger sense of self reliance, and be able to support herself and her kids as a strong willed single mother should. What had hit me so hard was that she went from one relatonship where she was being supported directly into another, and I was upset that she hadn't even attempted to rely on herself first. I was afraid that we had put so much stock into helping her, only to have her use it as a means to reach her new boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I was happy they clicked and that they were in love, but I thought they both needed to find themselves before they could really make such a radical life change. It has been nearly a year since we last saw each other, and it's not the fact that they are still together that makes me reconsider... neither is it the idea that I have no other choice--we've become friends with one of hubby's co-workers, and I get along wonderfully with his wife--no, what grts me thinking is that Megan has a job. She has taken a step for the better, a step that I have been waiting for. The thousand dollars we spent to drive to get her is not for a lost cause, because she IS, in fact, making positive changes! In the dream of course it was portrayed via her driving, but the idea is the same.

So now, here I am. Two friends down, depression playing games, and a long cold winter ahead. I cant help but wonder how the year will end. But I can make good use of it, and I know it is time to pull my cards back out. I could use a bit of spiritual guidance, friendship, and hope... and the idea that my friend may now be there to help aid in the guiding process... it's just one more reason I am motivated.

Tonight I held my cards, and went through the Major Arcana, comparing my initial thoughts of a year ago to my thoughts today. Tomorrow, I will review the ones I have previously studied. Hopefully I get much farther in 2014 than I did in 2013. May next year be ever better than this one.